My rendezvous notion in year 2006

By gab david
December 30, 2006 / 1.46 pm/ hometown, naga city



It is almost 11 in the evening. Actually, looking at my cell phone time, it’s just 10.50. The night was enveloping by the silence. And the ambiance of the room was so cold. Winds from the windows are just passing through and the blinds are stating to dance touching every corner of the double deck where I sleep. I am sitting in front of the computer with nothing in mind. Well, there are a lot of things that keep on running unto my head. But, I really don’t know what to write and where to start. While thinking to this, I said to myself, I need to write something so that I can have something to do while waiting fro the time. Yet, as I stared to touch the keyboard and let my finger do the stroke. Something just comes into my head and commanded my fingers to explore the keyboard that is in front of me. It feels that the water is just beginning to flow and I can’t control it. Feeling every thought I want to say to myself and to the world but who am I to be notice by other people either neither those neighbors nor the entire human being living in this crazy yet happy world. However, who cares of what will others may say or reacts. What is important is that I let my inner thoughts explore its own world and slowly tear it apart, pieces by pieces, while nothing intentions but just a mere naïve feeling inside me. So this “rendezvous” of my inner self and the time that I have now really starts to mend with no one to be blame or even to thank for. It’s what we call coincidence, meeting or even experiencing something that no one ever takes the move. It just happens and the cards were just laid and connection from one situation to another that leads me to this final composition.
To be honest I don’t know where to start as what I have said awhile. But really, until this very moment, I don’t know where this would lead me. Hoping I can have a good output. God knows where to start and it will end. All I want is that let these rushing thoughts of mine be express and be share. Oh, while I am writing this, I am listening to the album of Nina, the new album that comes out in later quarter of this year, that adds burns in my heart and let my inner emotions comes out. And with all these feelings and situation as well as the so called sentimental thing is just flowing like the streams in the mountains that how huge thing will be put in the middle of the way still it will find its way and continue the flow of the water. Anyhow, enough of those metaphors that I know may sound nonsense. So, where am I, I think I am still undecided of what to discuss or even starts? So let me just dross my fingers and hell or even damn, who cares!
Let me start my simple scramble thoughts when I start to go back in my hometown where I let my three-fourths of my life live and experience everything. The few days when I arrived were so difficult. The restless feeling was really eating me and I feel another lousy decision. Leaving my busy and adventurous lifestyle to a complete boring and provincial way of life was really a 360 degrees changes and challenging to me. However, who am I to complain or even somewhat hear my side before the final action should be done. I told you even from the start I am nobody and I just live here in his world because of them and the duty I need to fulfill when the right time comes. Do not ask me when will that be because even I cannot answer you straight or even the exact year but one day you will see it through my eyes. Hoping I am happy even if its may be too hard to carry a happy face. But, it would not change the decision that was done. Its non transferable as always indicated at the back of your identification card of membership card which you always carry in your packet or pouch bag. It may sound naïve because of the things I have been saying and its like there is a huge piece that is missing. Well, let me lead you to my simple world of craziness and the ups and down of my relationship to each and everyone that I met in this travel. I cal this, a living yet lifeless travel of a man who carries the thousand faces even pains are always in his heart.
It was the last day of the month, March this year, when I finally decided to stop and never enter to the office where I stayed for two happy and easy yet challenging works. I am just a graduate assistant in the office of chancellor in one of the premier state university in this country. Oh well, I don’t need to describe where it is because every time there will be a problem in the government especially in terms of political disputes our campus is the center of attention. Thanks to “manong oble”, a statue of a man with a spreading his arm and looking towards the sky, like begging or giving himself to the world. Enough of that, as I was saying, I stayed there for quite sometimes that even thought me so many things and let my turmoil brain cells take an early actions because the famous “critical thinking”, as what my professor are keep on saying, was really born here. My life here is not a bed rose as what others may think. There are times that I just ate one meal for a day and the others is just being put on sleep or make myself busy so that starvation will not be welcome. Yes, that is true, it is not a joke. I just ate my brunch around 10.45 or 11.00 in the morning so that my next meal will be snack at 4.00 which I just drink coffee, with no sugar and no cream, and if I have extra money I buy “suman” so that it would be heavy for me. But, don’t feel bad or be sad about it because there are times that I ate three times or more in one day. Well, of course that only happens every payday. After a long waiting, every end of the month or sometimes first week of the month if it is not delay, and even in bank when I let the check turned to a cold cash. I treat myself. I hurriedly ride in the jeep, philcoa, and eat at chowking. You just laugh when you know what I will order. I will fall in line with a happy face in me waiting for my turn. As I reach the counter and being ask by the cashier what is my order, I am very proud and excited saying “am, good afternoon, can I have a shang hai rolls meal and one pork siomai, one large pineapple juice and can I have a free soup, ops before I forgot am can you add more chili sauce please”. Oh yeah, that’s the best meal every month. Mind you, I have a very low level of happiness. This may sound corny or typical or even cliché still I will denied it for such reason this is simply me. After my ever best meal of the month which only happens every payday. I am, now, again excited and cannot wait for the next payday to come. And the next day, back to the usual routine. Those just some of my memorable experience which I really misses that made me who really I am now. It helped me to strive and learn how to face the reality with smiling face even pains are just in front of my face or even when I open my eyes every morning. But, this never stops me from doing what I want and doing something good to others even in my own little way. That, I can say, being so proud and gained a huge respect in my life.
I know someday this all things will be change in a better life. With that, I just keep repeating to myself and saying and when I finally realize I was already here in my dear hometown. Then, the huge no, no, no inside me, about getting close to woman - meaning trying to court or put myself in a relationship that is from my hometown. Because it just makes me live in the past again, about my eight year long relationship that really spring in my ever hometown, that really give s me once in awhile pains even I wanted to erase it. But, memories are too powerful that even my happiest moment can turn it to the saddest one. I also said that, I don’t want to get in touch with woman here because I know the true color – meaning the true persona of a true blood bicolana that really stops me from engaging in courting. The fear of living alone again as well as losing one’s love and that one will just adds more pains which I’ve been carrying from the past. Even though they said that pains will be wash away when love enters again. But, still I am afraid and fear of getting too close to someone. Honestly, a part of me is saying I need someone because I am human that needs someone at my side, a shoulder to cry on, someone I can exchange some corky jokes and even hold hands while walking. Or something you can hold on every time you need someone to ask fro help and ready to lean on to you with no hesitation in life. Or even exchange funny faces when you just feel like it. Those things that made you so complete and even you are tired from the whole day you go home with a smile in your face because you know someone is at your side saying “I love you” with a big smile in the face. And lastly excited to wake up because a text messages just enters saying, “opening my eyes was never hard because all I can see and think is being with you my sunshine, smile and I can’t wait to see you, I love you”. God knows who the hell created that word. And because of that, each one us is really move and taken our breath away like there would no tomorrow and time will just stop and the moment will just continue and letting the feeling run freely with full of happiness inside your heart and soul. Those feelings which I have just mention is the one that keeping me to move a little step in my life. Because of that, I can barely hide the truth that I once in love and hurt so much and now afraid of trying another.
Another side of my life that I think should be taken out. If square has four sides well I guess my life would have gazillion sides and it’s hard to contemplate each of every side. So, when will I start again? And where should I let my foot step so that I would not be stepping in the wrong ladder? I was just afraid and really desperate of the right path where to follow. For I am so afraid and I think I am in the life of limbo. But, I guess no one can answer my entire question because it I who can answer it and decide where to go. I, myself, have the power to lead my life because it is in my hand for long. I am just blinded by the things that are around me and what I see and hope for.
When I step in this course of life, being a full time “nursing” student, I said to myself that I will just do this not for myself alone but for my family. So, I start last summer and create a better life. A different one from I was used to be. The environment was so different and people are also are different. At first I was in great pains because I am not sure of what I really doing. Again fears have just conquered my way and yes I am being “chicken” of the situation. But, the summer has gone and fortunately I passed my entire subject and perform a very satisfactory. I have met some friends and created my new crowd and friends. All of us are “second courser” as many of us called in the school. Then, the first semester has come again and things were go smoothly as it supposes to be. I am getting my balance and trying to be at the right track but time has “HIS” power and at the late part of semester things have change. The crowds I have, group I used to be, have the biggest challenge and let me to leave them for the sake I need to think of my future. I did a right turn and went to another road with some of friends and joined them leaving my group driving the usual way. At first I am saddened of the drastic action that I took. It was not too easy to decide on it but I need to face the truth or I will suffer in the end and my life will be drain for nothing. As the semester ends I create a new name in the school and regained the ladder which I was standing before. With the help of my new found friends and my sister. But as the victories have been flowing on my heart another turning point have come to my life. I never dreamt of having her in my life. I once prayed for GOD that I hope I can have someone and its been three years since I was single. But, I ask and waited still no one comes. But one day, when I was sharing my victory inside me, it just sprung from nowhere with no hesitation. She came into my life and makes my boring life more blooming as it supposes to be. The laughter and happiness I have was given enlighten. We shared common feelings and felt it at the first time we met. For the longest time I am been wishing for someone to come. Now, my prayers was heard and given her to me. When I am with her the time just stops and everything we do is the best thing in our lives. But, everything we do has to come in a very painful ending. At first it is a fact that I cannot have her because she is owned by another. Even we love each other and really fight for our love still. We need to face that what we are having is not right and should not keep it going. Because even though we are so happy still back in our mind we are hurting others and trying to test “LOVE” in the wrong time and place. So, we tried to fix things and prayed so hard. But still we end up separating even sacrificing the love we feel to each others. That moment it really crashed my heart and soul and it’s like I was bitten by the demon that keep on crawling over us. Now, everything was in unstable. When we see each other, all I can do is smile or the worse is to run away and never look at her. It would be a perfect love for both of us. But, we are just blinded and had no power to follow what we really feel. Still, we just let our mind ruled over us. For the sake of “others”, again, so ironic if you just look at it. Even sacrificing our own happiness and leave us in full of pains. Well, at least we tried and never lost our faith that someday if GOD permits we’ll just bump ourselves and start all over again if time will just suit on us.
So, these are the things that happen to me this year. There would be many things but I just put some of the most important because this would run into more pages and pains will just flows and I will be crash into small pieces. What I wanted to share here is that, even how hard life may be look like. Still, I am here standing and continuing my journey I started and ready to face what future will bring. So, now I am ready to face another year. I don’t know what will happen to me but here am I smiling and carrying my very own trueness in life. Facing the world with a happy face in and out… so, let’s go and be free…

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“…life may be so difficult, but, who says that it’s too easy as well. So, let’s not just be left behind by the past and let the future frighten us. Yet, let us smile together and let this moment be the best…” – gab david

Unfinished

By gab david
December 9, 2006/ no time / hometown, bangon naga



And the day has come to an end
Like the thread of life
And the breath of joy in my heart
That even you cannot stop

Showing every bit of the day that moves
Like the flower that blooms
And the wind that brings music to the leaves
That even you cannot stop

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p.s.

"...its like a stream of water that flows down that even the stars were the only witness and with that i just cried having an empty handed, but, i said to myself, let the smile of my face changes you, for i will be at your side forever..." – gab david

Best thing in life

By gab david
11.35 pm/ December 07, 2006/ hometown, naga city




Having everything in your hand
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Sharing what you have
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Making someone smile out of the bloom
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Even crying together with your closest friend
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Smiling every minute of the day
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Having a bunch of friends
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Having pain after a joyful love
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Saying no to a friend or even stranger
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Loving is a contagious thing
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Telling your sorry
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Promising to someone is a gem to be keep
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Shinning bright in every raining days
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when


Talking and connecting to someone
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Facing your fear
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Letting go of someone
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Taking a step with full of hope
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Saying it’s over now to someone
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Crying alone with no one can see you
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Someday will meet again
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Wishing for someone
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

Simply saying thank you
Was the best thing in life?
But, until when

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p.s.

“…my absence and silence doesn’t mean I already forgotten you my beloved angel, it is just we need something to fix in our lives, for tomorrow, when we meet and say hello, both of us are so in love to each other…” - gab david