by gab david
1.27 in the morning / room 201 dorm
...It is almost 1.27 in the morning but still I am awake. just done watching, dvd movie – entitled borne supremacy. but, the silence just caught my attention. then, I said to myself, I want to write but I don’t know where to start. There are many things that keep on lurking inside me. the eagerness of thyself to write is all over but it seems that my thoughts are scrambling and keep on fighting each other. Running fast, like a competition and aiming the finish line, and in mind with strong conviction who’ll be the first one to climb on the top - be my que for tonight or this morning, what I mean, for me to start now and let this confusions be contented.
...I was alone, I guess, because my roommate was already sleeping even when I started to watch the movie. Tonight is not an ordinary day – the room is cold due to the rain outside. Its just the same as what other days that seems I cannot sleep and my thoughts are somewhat “lost in translation”. the reason? I don’t know, honestly. I was not really looking forward to this kind of feeling even from the first moment until this very moment. even I knew it before and said to myself that I need to promise to thyself that “things are okay” even though I just said to a good friend of mine who happen to text me awhile ago asking me “how’s your love life?” It’s funny to know and say after receiving it from her saying aloud “I am okay”, yet deep inside of it was the other way around. to be honest, it’s so easy to reply on the text messages to and saying those things but if ever she can only see me now and standing in front of me I guess things will be different.
...Months have, already, past since the “day” – when I become single again for the end time…(he he he he) but still the feeling are very much the same – once in awhile its getting stronger too, as what I used to feel (if I compared it before). for the past two weeks I been suffering insomnia. All I did was keep on thinking and thinking (it’s like there is no ending like a jukebox that keeps on turning and repeating on and on). then, wondering why this keep on coming back? hay this thing is like a non-stop music that keep on moving and moving and moving and it never reach to the last song in the album. Yet, the difference of it is my emotions, which are really involved and affected – even my daily routine is jumbled. I know,
...I have nothing to worry nor blame for what happen to my life – my past relationship, however, there are things in my life that I need to face and clear – for the end time, for I will be worry less person as I continue my journey in life and be proud for I can stand on my own now. I have been asking myself when I will be finishing this ache feeling that keep on crawling in my mind. It is like a ghost that keep on coming back and back, for such reason, there are still unfinished thing that should be done and be rest forever. But, for me, it’s different. I know people whom I have met or totally knew me at all, may react on what I have just said but fear not gab for it is already been written before the time has begun. at the same time I can also foresee them – my close and true friends having this facial expression – with one eyebrow up, “what did we say? it will be just like this and that. however, I admit my faults and still be proud for I never think any regrets for Iit is a new challenges to thyself and learning to face. and even I explain it I guess the feeling would be different for such reason - “ only those people whom experienced the same feelings could only understand even it happen again and again or over and over. to be honest people tend to act they know everything but it is the other way around especially there might be some similarity – that happen in their lives. its is not a question, I also know there is something that is comparable but still differences in feeling and experiences are really unique.
...My thoughts are really not in level or even in the right portion. so, pardon me for saying this, I may not in a good position to explain nor elaborate what’s really bothering inside my mind. This morning, pains in my heart are kept on getting heavier and heavier. each time passes by. From this moment, all I think, I am done and surpassed the “healing stage”. I’ve been praying this for almost three months already and keep on asking HIM, “please I know YOU have a good plan for me, all these things in my life have something to do with my tomorrow. for it is also my life in near future. But sometimes, to be honest, I doubted YOU because of such aches that come into my life and it is hard to handle”. I know I am in no position to say all of it, because in the first place, YOU have just given me the wish as well as gift I’ve asked for so long. However, because of my selfishly act, numbness, and carelessness in life I lost everything YOU gave. But, I said why now? Why this sudden disturb notions?
...Sometimes I just told myself to fight back and never dwell unto past because I know it will just affect my life. Yet, to be honest I am afraid and lost never knew what to act and do. Maybe because, I was used to it (for almost eight years my life was focused to someone) but in just one mistake that I’ve done… and then the reward of it was unpredictable…everything that I have were totally flown away and never return back. my stupidity in life is not a questions. and to be honest, there are these routine stuff before that I already missing already? but, even though I wanted to reminisce those days (even everyday again and again...) and let my craving for enjoyment be satisfied. then, let the moment ease out at the same time the aches - inside me, even it is a temporary only. To be honest, it (really) works but still completeness of it was not an issue…
...Who would think that these things would reach up to this point? But, to just to make it clear, I am not blaming anybody. But, it is just that… mysterious things really happen and proves that the need for preparedness of thyself should be in high priority – (RED ALERT) for security reason. most of the times it’s hard to explain. Moods are really choosy. Temperamental personality is at (always) its pick.
...Now, I am still suffering the ache I created. But, I know time will come and may overcome then be able to stand and ready to face my life. But, at this moment I need to let my thoughts to feel the present way – accepting what you have and never ask for more but it does not mean you need to stop dreaming, furthermore, I need also to learn how to wait and be very careful for every step I take. from now on my actions should be slowly as what it should be for a good result – by trying to understand and be focus on the things around me because the answer I am looking for is just in front of me knocking on my face. sensitivity in life is what should everybody need, for such reason, there are limitations in every actions we do. for it is easy for everyone to accept such surprises that may come. And lastly, coming up with something – like being with someone in particular. the chances are out there flowing and paralleled to it are the plans of happiness. But be careful never mix it up. For life may be deceiving from the start then complications may follow and the chances are people tend to be blind and because of that it might misses and fall out again for the second or end time.
... Realizing now that life has full of surprises and it does not stop even sunset is near. Yet, it started to the very first rule in life (being attentive and aware to the surroundings even you all know things are okay). looking to the bright morning and slowly learning to feel the how the sun sets and rises gives me a wonderful feeling that lights up my heart. because of that things now are slowly clearing up then confusions have already begin to depart. Yet, it is not easy to accept neither get it right nor be on the appropriate track as what the racer always does. Because changes in life are not easily be comprehended as much as what you wish for. Certain steps are needed to be follows to be able to reach what you wish and the best for thyself.
...I guess I need to cut this and continue it in some other time. For now, I should be giving my thoughts a benefit of doubt. For, now, it will justify the past and be able prepare for tomorrow. Yet, the most important in this journey in life is to enjoy the present life we have, for it will make who am i. having this important ingredient (which I think it cannot be forgotten by anyone) in life (that I myself been carrying it since I learned to use it) is no other than, the SMILE in your face. actually, correct me if I am wrong, from the start everyone has it…and now, let me just say, “let me rest, for tomorrow is another day and a new learning will awaits and shower our lives”. Finally, it is already 2.46 in the morning. Now, can say this, “let’s call it a day…”
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