by gab david
October 23, 2005 / makati city
it was almost midnight when this thought came into my head. it just like a bubble that puff on my face and “whala!” there is this sudden question that really struck me. and from then on, I started to think (even think back when was I fall in love start and what age I am?). I really smile and ask how come people are so crazy about this simple word called “love”? in my recollection, when I was still young, I just heard it from the music, movies and from my relatives(mom, papa, tito’s, tita’s, and friends) and television. but, to be honest I don’t know what does it mean and what’s the big deal about this word? but now, I never thought that even I will be capture of this thing called “LOVE” and even felt it and understand how powerful thing it is. these are some thoughts that linger into my head while I am watching the movie “love actually”. It was almost midnight when it was shown to star movies. how ironic it is, actually I already seen the movie for more than five times or more (if you are curious how I love this movie hehehe!) since it was release two years ago. so, because of that, I ask myself, when was I fall in love(the first time I felt it and to whom)? there are many people that come and go. the people meet and shared my thoughts and even stupidity thing. but, I think the most and longest relationship I ever had in my entire life was lasted for just only eight years (yup! eight memorable years). actually, next month will be my first year anniversary of being single hood (hehehe!). but, its okay, the process was really hard and the changes was not as easy as what everybody thinks.
eight fruitful years, yes, the memories are really still intact. even until this very moment. last week, when I was talking to my friend, whom accidentally ask me for a coffee break, we talk about it. and guess what? she ask the magic word, “di na ba talaga pwede?” (if there will be a possible way that I and my ex fiancée can be together again?) honestly, I don’t know what to answer. if you’ll ask I can answer, as fast as ala sinko, “nope, nada, di na pwede, but deep inside me (it really kills me off while saying those things). its hard to say and just let go of the eight meaningful years that we had. its not just like a toy na if you want another you’ll just pick another one and feel happy again. and what happen to the first toy? nothing it will just be forgotten and put it on the farthest side of the room.
when I find out that she have another and left me(its final). I felt the sudden coldness of the all-coldest thing inside me (get me!). its like the world have just fall unto me and I cannot hold on anymore. to be honest, my dreams automatically shattered. its like, I don’t know where to stand and start ( for all I know we are ready to get married this year). even my relatives are really affected and don’t know what to do. from how many weeks, I never eat and sleep. I just cried and cried. calling her and keep on begging to come back. but, everything I’ve done went to nothing. we just talk and said be friends. even though deep inside is that e are hurting inside.
at start its hard to accept but as the days goes by. I’ve learned to accept little by little and learn to let go of it. but, to be honest, there are times that tears just fall unto my eyes and not knowing the reason why. yet, even the aches are really eating my life from the moment I think of her. still, I am proud, because there are special persons that were at my side(when I the sudden ache broke again) and ready to help and I don’t need to mention them because I know deep inside they know who they are.
now, I cannot say its finally over. but, I am already learning to smile again. and savoring the single hood life again. changes are really hard. but, there’s nothing I can do yet to face the fact that I need to move on. most of my friends told me that, “there’s a reason why it happen” (the famous of all tag line when they all heard). while I am writing this, a good friend of mine told me that, when people fall in love “ its amends all odds and every day and even hour there will be a connection between you and him/her. the connection of every moment that runs in your life were important because of the feelings for her/him. its like when you cross the bridge, that is the time you’ll understand how to mend the wrong and right in life. even how hard, its easy to mend the opportunity that comes in our way. we learn how to fight for the relationship even it is against the ebb tide of life. however, my friend also explains when the person fall out of love there is no reason at all to face the next minute of the day nor even the second for such reason the eagerness that you feel inside is not with you anymore. even, waking up in the morning is not the same as before (meaning excitement was already gone). because you think that there will be nobody anymore that will wait and love you. and even when you open your eyes in the cold morning the feeling was ordinary unlike before.
thoughts are really challenging especially when we talk about being in love and falling out of love. its like every move and actions are connected. everything you see and feel has something to do with every breath you take. love can be there and will always be there. it may come and go. like people who feels it.
…to be continue
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